Sunday, July 13, 2008

The Home Run Derby

It's here! Are you excited? Have you decided where you're going to watch it yet? Are you going to put on your Dan Uggla jersey, call up all your friends, by yourself a sixer of your favorite suds and sit down to some of that killer cheese dip tomorrow night at 7 central to listen to Chris Berman chatter Back, Back, Back, Back, Back for 3 hours? No, sadly, I'm probably not going to watch it either. But just in case I change my mind, or really can't find anything better to do and you find yourself somehow drawn to it as well, here's the cast for Monday night's MLB version of the slam dunk contest:

Lance Berkman
Ryan Braun
Josh Hamilton
Evan Longoria
Justin Morneau
Grady Sizemore
Dan Uggla
Chase Utley

Don't get too excited. I mean, I'm pretty sure that no more than 1 of those players has, you know, been addicted to crack, and there's a nice mix of young, like real young talent in there, but try if you can to remain calm. Instead, look over that list again. Notice something missing? Yankee's stadium...last season there...Ahhh, got it, where's A-Rod?

Well, here's a theory for you. It seems that A-Rod has recently been mistaken for Brad Pitt. For years now, we have been unnecessarily exposed to every twist, every turn of little Bradly's love life. Yes, the women he encounters are extraordinarily hot and almost every bit as recognisable in the entertainment world as he is. But here's the thing, the rub I suppose for those of you that are truly into this kind of gossip. Not all of us care. And do you know where those of us that don't care turn to when we no longer want to be smothered by this senseless crap? That's right, sports.

No longer. The tabloids have now officially infected our sanctuary. A-Rod is getting a divorce, and Madonna this, and Lenny that, and yeah, yeah, yeah, WE DON'T CARE!!! And now we have nowhere to turn to. And A-Rod, being the sports guy that he is, definitely doesn't know how to assess all the attention. And so he steps out of the spotlight. Are you really surprised? Well I'm not. Oh, he'll claim that the derby sets his swing back weeks and this and that, but really, don't you think he just wants to take a step back for a minute? Frankly, I don't blame him. Divorce, by most accounts, is already unpleasant enough without having to answer to the entire baseball watching world about it. Please just stop. Enough. Let us have our game back.

So, baseball has the home run derby, and basketball the slam dunk contest, but what's football's equivalent? Wouldn't it be cool if there was an NFL sack derby? You following me? We could get the best linebackers and pass rushing linemen in the game and grade them by how well they light up some dude. Even better if "some dude" happened to be the game's worse off the field offenders like Pacman or Mike Vick. Or even if it were on a volunteer basis, I guarantee there would be some takers. Sign up here to get your clock cleaned by Ray Lewis at the NFL sack derby on ESPN! There are a lot of idiots in this country that would do just about anything for a little TV time. Worse case scenario, you know that the Jackass guys would be all over it.

Anyway, not that I'll be watching, but tomorrow night, my pick to win: Morneau. What's that? Oh fine, you're right, I'll probably be watching.

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